Alas, a new job has been created in often criminally enterprising America: baby Jesus bodyguards. The pay’s not so great, but the rewards can be heavenly. It’s a job with the ultimate upward mobility.

Joining home security and cyber security today is Nativity security needed to combat a fiendish new crime wave—stealing baby Jesus and other figures from nativity scenes across the country.

The job is the keep baby Jesus in the manger and out of the hands of nativity thieves.

According to The New York Times, cities across the country are facing rising thefts from Nativity scenes. Many are installing security cameras, bolts and tethers to at-risk Jesus figurines and sometimes Mary and a donkey too are found missing.

How low can you thieves go?

I thought porch pirates were bad and should be sentenced to work six weeks at hard labor at Amazon. Jesus figurine abductors are worse and should be sent to a crypt for six months where they must say the rosary 50 times a day and light candles nightly until dawn breaks their evil spirit.

This year, thieves have raided Nativity scenes in Tennessee, West Virginia, Minnesota and lots of other places.

The episodes, which have rattled Christian communities, have become so common that the owners of holiday displays have bolstered security and some might be motivated to hire bodyguards for Baby Jesus and Mary and Joseph too.

Watch out, you thieves. Hell hath no fury like a baby Jesus stolen.


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