In the first days of the war, when Kyiv was besieged from all sides, many Americans in the arts wanted to know what they could do.  

Museums and orchestras made their requisite statements of revulsion and allegiance. The Ukrainian national anthem was sung at the Metropolitan Opera; a Ukrainian folk song cold-opened “Saturday Night Live.”  

Soon all internalized the participatory prerogatives of social media joined in: reacting, engaging, supporting the oppressed, condemning the oppressor, Russia!

Now it’s time for the culinary world to react and give Putin a dressing down to show its revulsion over Russian atrocities.  As a public relations gambit, yours truly shall now fire the first round, a spoonful of Ukrainian dressing at Mr. Putin.

I urge my colleagues in PR, next time you order a turkey sandwich on rye with coleslaw at Katz’s deli in Manhattan or at my former client, Ben’s Best Kosher Deli in Queens, or any deli worth its salt, instead of Russian dressing, say you want it with richer, more delicious Ukrainian dressing, same ingredients, but with a more honorable name. 

It’s the same as the former dressing, only now named after a more morally correct underdog in Putin’s senseless, egregiously ruthless war on Ukraine, an innocent victim of tyranny.  Please, no more Russian aggression dressing on salads either.  Instead, order just as tasty Ukrainian dressing, the same blend of mayonnaise and ketchup, but now more honorable.  

Colleagues, I move we put Russia in the culinary doghouse until Putin behaves himself, stops killing innocent civilians, including children, in this unprovoked war. 

The only reason this dressing came to be called “Russian” was the original recipe included caviar, a pricy staple of Russian cuisine.  Well, there’s no more caviar in it, so let’s un-Russian it!

Historians say the mayonnaise-based version of that delectable condiment was invented in New Hampshire in 1910 by a James E. Colburn.   

Colburn conferred upon the epicurean tastes a delicacy at once as refined as it is permanent in its popularity. He hit upon an assembly of ingredients, which he named Russian salad dressing and was able to retire rich as his dressing.

It’s time now for Russia to retire its warmongering, which we can help to start by retiring the name Russian from this typically piquant dressing characteristically made of a blend of mayonnaise and ketchup occasionally complemented with such additional ingredients as horseradishpimentoschives, mustard, and spices.

Ukrainian dressing, as hopefully now it will be called in this PR campaign, is also used as a spread for one of my favorite sandwiches, the Reuben. For me, I’ll always consider it named after my late native-American friend, Reuben Silverbird, who years ago opened a native-American restaurant in New York City called Silverbird.  It was one of the few places where you could eat a snake.

Tom Madden is an author of countless published articles and five books, including his latest, WORDSHINE MAN, available on Amazon. He also creates TV series like his latest Xtra Terresla whose main character is modeled after Tesla founder Leon Musk. Madden is the founder and CEO of TransMedia Group, an award-winning public relations firm serving clients worldwide since 1981.