Is all this DNA testing creating fictitious families? After receiving an email from some looney-tune claiming an old high school girlfriend of mine was her mother and I was her biological father, I thought I’d have some biological fun. I sent this message to my adult children wishing them a Happy New Year:
Dear family, I’m afraid this is going to shock you. And I deeply apologize for that, but you’re entitled to know this about me, your father, as it concerns your brothers and sisters whom you’ve never met. I want you to finally meet the rest of your siblings, I’ve only recently learned about myself. DNA testing has proven I’m their biological father. Yes, it’s true. As I traveled a lot before meeting, falling in love with and marrying your mother, these offspring are living in places around the world, from Margate, NJ to Beijing China.
So now, forgive me, but it’s time to come clean. It’s time for you to meet:
Melina, Ursula, Connie, Pricilla, Liu, Zhang, Natasha, Nikita and Klas, Staffan and Ivanka.
There are two more we’re still conducting genetic tests on, but the rest all match my DNA and therefore it’s proven that I am their biological father.
Soon as the riots die down in Paris, I would like us all to get together there, which would make a spectacular press event under the headline:
Prolific Author of ‘King of the Condo’ and Now ‘King in the Saddle’
To Meet Numerous Offspring He Biologically Sired Around the Globe
(What can I do? When I was young, as much as I tried, I just couldn’t keep my p**ker you know where)
I’m ashamed of myself, but the one redeeming fact about this astounding revelation is that certainly it’s nice to have a huge globally extended family!