Madden Mischief

How about your legs?

No, they’d just always want to walk or run up and down stairs, go back and forth, to and from, endlessly do what they were designed to do, go places!

Okay, how about your stomach?  Would you like that part back?

Not really, that’s just an organ constantly digesting food, producing acids and enzymes that break it down so it can pass on to your small intestine.

There are two intestines. Which would you prefer, the small or large?

Neither. They both team up to convert food into a smelly substance with a name we like to call people we consider dirtbags saying they’re so full of it. 

These are the remains that couldn’t be absorbed in the small intestine but had to be further broken down by bacteria in the larger one until finally exiting.  And I don’t want the exit, the anus back either.  It’s the last scene of a muddy movie and there are enough assholes already causing trouble in this chaotic world. 

Okay, let’s see how smart you are.  How about welcoming back your brain?

Sure, but that’s another often too-busy factory full of moving parts and tiny compartments  containing a myriad of thoughts, a warehouse full of people’s names, birth dates, places you’ve been, coupled with a make-shift lab where we combine all the dots to form what are called ideas to try out, to transmit or chew on or most likely just store until we snore.

Then how about that returning part is your heart?

You mean that endlessly pulsating pump working 24-7 every day pushing around a river of blood to every nook and cranny of our bodies?  No thanks.  I appreciate the health it delivers and all the hard work it does, but all that beating is a bit much, and hard to take if my part’s just a pump without feelings.

Ok, how about your liver?

That largest solid organ in the body is ever busy removing toxins, maintaining blood sugar levels, regulating blood clotting.  It’s another factory and I’m not a workaholic, and I like liquor, especially vodka which livers don’t!  And you can keep kidneys too and urinary tracts, which keep herding you into restrooms.

What about your spleen?

The spleen’s a splendid fella, filtering blood, storing blood cells, supporting immune systems, but I think there’s a better return on my anatomical investments.

What is it, your hands?

Sure, if I was a pianist, or violinist like my dad, but no, they’re accompanied by those ever-restless extremities–fingers.  All they want to do is peck away at keyboards on laptops like there’s no tomorrow.  And they always seem to be racing on a deadline to get a blog or story out.  I don’t see doing just that 24-7. 

Okay, then you pick a part you want to see come back!  How about your private part?

Now you’re talkin’ pal. That would be fun, but wait a minute, I got it!  Something better!  Much better!

Okay what?  What’s the part you want to see return?

My most prolific part, my smile!

That’s not a body part!

Oh, yes, it sure is, monsieur!  My best part!  My smile has won for me PR clients, juicy contracts and many friendships, not to mention the love of my life, my wife Rita, a beautiful Brazilian Bella donna who smiled back at me when I first saw her at Duffy’s Sports Grill and we’re still enjoying their tacos and NY strip steaks.  

See, I’m already smiling.  Yes, bring back that best part of ourselves, our smiles, and you’ll make many happy, not to mention the world a whole lot friendlier and safer from hooligans with rifles like that lunatic who fatally shot poor Charlie Kirk.  But Charlie’s smile will live on!  It was disarming to many, except this one thug.  Even critics on the left found him charming, until this villainous creep came along who now for his vice will pay the ultimate price. 

Amen! 

Tom Madden likes to make people smile with the books and blogs he writes and often inserts humor into the PR his firm TransMedia Group puts out on behalf of its clients like changing words “your retirement” to “your rehirement” for an upcoming campaign for The Strategic Wealth Advisor and Accredited Investment FIDUCIARY Nancy J. Hite.  And now here at a much happier time were  

Charlie and Erika both beaming their best parts.