Madden Mischief

“She’s mentally impaired,” the former President of the United States loudly labels his opponent, the current Vice President, both competing for the highest office in the land.  “He’s unhinged,” she fires back in one of those saloons called a campaign rally.

In the race for Florida’s Senate seat, an ad for Democratic challenger, former Rep. Debbie Mucarsel-Powell, depicts her opponent Sen. Rick Scott as “Florida’s biggest snake,” with Scott’s face superimposed on the head of a giant reptile slithering across a slimy floor.

Candidates, listen up. While you’re making your fans laugh and cheer, you’re making others feel politics has turned queer in the literal sense of strange.  It’s making some voters squirm, feel a need to reapply face masks from exposure to so much virulent verbiage spewing from an avalanche of campaign propaganda flooding our airwaves.

Yes, some phrases need to be rushed to hospitals for emergency treatment before they start epidemics among an electorate unvaccinated against the rampaging plague of bravado contaminating today’s politics.

Instead of deprecating and demeaning, try dropping the hateful speech. Lighten up!  How about inserting what’s become almost foreign in political discourse today, a touch of what’s so missing in those flat-out mean stump speeches—a soupcon of friendly humor that will make you more likeable, less intimidating.

Here’s what a wise doctor should prescribe for cantankerous political patients whose malapropisms are at the top of the idiosyncrasies chart.  Try telling jokes! 

Today there are just too many sick words and phrases parading around in this taught political season, coughed up in advertising, vomited at rallies, bobbling nastily in floods of misinformation on subjects from immigrants contaminating to FEMA funding bungling!  

First, that mean word ‘weird’ must go straight to the infirmary for etymological rehabilitation to mean something different.  How about an allergy to cat scans? 

Haha. It’s called humor! 

Who in their right mind would say immigrants prefer dining on pets, than petting them?  Who the hell are cat ladies?  Childless jokes need to take a hike, right?  (Laughter)   

Candidates who brag how wealthy or how modest they are may be overdue for a truth serum vaccination!  Where?  In their swollen heads, of course!  Hehe.

And if candidates say they can’t pay taxes because they’re broke-n-hearted quickly givethem gauze to cry on and call the nearest prosecutor to get a jury to issue them the plat du jour: deliciously pickled indictmentoes.

Take note that it’s a sure sign of excessively virulent neo liberalism to demand capitalism operate under strict Biden-Harris rules and please, all you democrat patients, avoid waltzing in red states near Blue Danube rivers.  It’s unsafe.

Trumped-up Charges

Patients must cease falsely accusing politicos of fondling them. Tell the truth to WitchHuntNews.  And please, no spoofs like alleging Alamak Sirreah is a new Caliphate when that’s only Kamala’s moniker backwards!

Now fresh from Watergate, cometh writer Woodward. Is he now witch hunting or just being his wily wrangler investigative reporter self in rounding up private calls and Covid tests sent from one Czar to another?  

Perhaps pardner, that depends on which way you’re leaning yourself politically!

Why not tell patients upset that climate change isn’t a bigger issue in this 2024 campaign that gas & oil is a giant American industry employing herds who believe the same weather every day would be boring!

To determine political/mental acuity, show patients a photo of Biden with Trump and ask them to caption it: “Biden with a ‘fellow’ or ‘felon’ president?”  That way you’ll know where they stand or recline.

And Governor . . .

Please don’t just say you ‘misspoke,’ admit you were not in Hong Kong during Tiananmen Square protest, or you would have gladly laid in front of one of those tanks like you were the pheasant and they the hunter. 

And voters, if Trump is reelected, will he pardon himself, indict Kamala, expel immigrants, put Walz on KP duty, and award the Medal of Freedom or maybe the Academy Award to feisty FOX News?   Say yes and you earn a rimshot!

Now here’s the palliative medicine we should all prescribe for our electoral woes and bitterness: 

Friends, bury your hatchets, inoculate yourselves with love for our democracy and applaud and show respect for whomever becomes our next President.

As this impolite political season staggers to an exhausted denouement, let’s take a respite from calling each other derogatory names like “hateful,” “harmful” and “mentally impaired.”   

Let us rise from our word sick beds and look at one another clear-eyed and for a change, respectfully. 

The Finale

Today we’re living in a place somewhere between a hospital and an insane asylum.  Post-election, it will become once again what our founding fathers set out to make it and wanted so much it to be . . . The United States of America!

So, please let’s lighten up.  Let’s focus our remarks on explaining our policies, not denigrating our foes, and how they will make America stronger, safer, more resiliently democratic and equitable for all.  Let’s salute, not attack our Constitution.

Now let’s soon begin that healing process, and if it helps, envision in MAGA a catchy new slogan:

Make America Grown-up Again!   

When not busily running his PR firm, TransMedia Group, together with his industrious daughter Adrienne Mazzone, Tom Madden is busy churning out his weekly blog at www.MaddenMischief.com, writing blistering books like his latest Planetary Lifeguard, Blowing the Whistle on Climate Change, or briskly walking on the beach with his beautiful Brazilian wife Rita, that is when no hurricanes are blowing off broofs in Blorida (sorry, the wind) . . . roofs in Florida!