As a subscriber to CISION ProfNet, my PR firm TransMedia Group, often receives queries from reporters and writers seeking information for stories they’re working on.  Recently we heard from a writer doing research on armpits.

She was seeking dermatologists who could answer such questions as: What should armpits typically smell like? What would foul smelling armpits smell like? Are smelly armpits typically a cause for concern?

Now I’m far from a dermatologist, but it got me thinking about those caverns under our arms. Then one stifling hot day when I passed by my olfactory sensitive wife Rita, she suggests maybe I should be a little more cavern conscious. Rita takes several showers daily and is forever applying moisturizers and assorted fragrances on her sweet-scented self.

Whenever we go out, she sprays herself with Bulgari Omnia Amethyste, a floral woody scent that makes me feel I’m walking with her along the Champs-Elysees in Paris even though we’re still in balmy Boca.

That day, after giving me her signature sniff test, Rita tactfully suggested maybe on hot days, after I take my nightly shower before bed, I should rub alcohol under my arms to keep my perspiration from later calling too much attention to itself, especially as we sleep very close together. 

That sounded discordant to me as most days, especially when I have a business appointment and the weather is sticky, I rush underarm speed stick deodorant to those two caverns.   

Yet somehow that odiferous day my naked armpits had apparently attracted critical notice from my hypersensitive, odor detecting wife, specifically offensive to her elegant, but alert nose, which had picked up a not so sweet scent emanating from those same underarm caverns.

Since then, I’ve become self-conscious, and perhaps a bit overly concerned about the odoriferous impression I’d be making at meetings. 

So, lately, some days I’d unwittingly apply alcohol and then dutifully deodorize it with Irish Spring wondering if I should do only one armpit since I’m only half Irish. That’s a joke!

Still, I’d first splash alcohol under both arms as she suggested, then forgetting I had done so, I’d run my Speed Stick right over those two hairy racetracks leaving them smelling like I’d just left a Dublin saloon. 

Soon the combo started giving me a whole new odor plus a feeling of aromatic Irish self-confidence that I was olfactory protected wearing a scented version of belt and suspenders.

One day it all came to a sensory rude awakening, however.

Clients with whom I was meeting and trying to impress told me something that sent me off to the showers.

They said whenever they were around me, it smelled like they were in a PERFUMED INFIRMARY! 

So next day I stopped serving alcohol to my armpits, thereby closing the infirmary for good and henceforth I’ll just stay perfectly perfumy for the rest of this prolonged pandemic.

Besides an inveterate sweet-smelling blogger, Tom Madden is an author of countless published articles and five books, including his latest, WORDSHINE MAN, available now on Amazon.  It will make you laugh as it has a funny scent. He is the founder and CEO of TransMedia Group, an award-winning public relations firm serving clients worldwide since 1981 and has conducted remarkably successful media campaigns and crisis management for America’s largest companies and organizations.