Instead of extrapolating, I wish to exCAPulate from the Juvenalian satiric, purposeful parody social movement, Birds Aren’t Real, and aim its fundamentals at the tons of plastic bottles and caps embarrassingly accumulating on our defiled beaches.

In case you don’t know it, Birds Aren’t Real as reported in The New York Times is a lunatic movement that assumes for comic relief that birds are not what they seem to be, but really are drone replicas installed by the U.S. government to spy on its citizens.

Now us beach protectors wish to apply to plastic caps the movement’s same nose thumbing, fun poking response with which it blasts social media misinformation.  We want to fight the lunacy of all the plastic bottles and caps we keep finding strewn (or carefully placed) about our beaches, parks and recreation areas, with the same lunacy Birds Aren’t Real applies to birds.

Think of it as birds of a feather as we now regard these heaps of plastic caps as really surreptitiously installed surfing instruments surveilling beach goers. 

If we keep believing discarded plastic bottles and caps are just the trash they’re pretending to be—forget it!  My fellow American bathers, we’re naïve and deluding ourselves

One frightening day we’re all going to wake up to a CAPastrophy for our beloved democracy as this plethora of plastic will capsize our shoreline’s innocence and beauty with their disguised mini-application platforms containing clandestine cameras and micro mikes.  That’s right.  Plastic spies.

They were purposefully scattered over our beaches by the U.S. Government to spy on unwary Americans so naive about what they believe is just harmless, unsightly trash.

Joining this faux trash blemishing our beaches are trillions more plastics coughed up from an over-stuffed, gluttonous ocean whose appetite is bigger than its stomach, but are really compartments for microscopic devices aiming to invade our privacy while simultaneously they are endangering our fragile environment.  We don’t need more plastics no matter what their raison d’etre.

To help avert further injury and insult to our planet nearing the magnitude of a mega CAPastrophy, next time when you see a plastic bottle or cap, cover your face, don’t speak, just put on your plastic gloves and facemask, pick it up, then run to the nearest receptacle and toss the phony plastic bottles into it with their caps on.  Then flee!

We oceanfront dwellers have long been onto this sly surveillance, and why this so-called trash was painstakingly placed on our beaches.  And for your bravery in the disposing of it, all of us who believe in a free and open society will take our caps off to you and maybe, just maybe after we end this plastics plague, we may soon see the swallows returning from CAPistrano. But be careful as now it has been firmly established that many, if not most BIRDS AREN’T REAL!

Besides an inveterate blogger, Tom Madden is an author of countless published articles and five books, including his latest, WORDSHINE MAN, available in January on Amazon.   He is the founder and CEO of TransMedia Group, an award-winning public relations firm serving clients worldwide since 1981 and has conducted remarkably successful media campaigns and crisis management for America’s largest companies and organizations.