So you want to build the wall, do you?   Okay, how would you do it?  How fast and how much?

Well, Mr. President, I would build it out of a solid block of Swiss and I’d have it stretching across the entire southern border of the United States.  It could be spread in less than three months for under a hundred million, rats would protect it and it would smell so bad it would keep illegals out.  It would be like the Pope’s Swiss Guard, only with real Swiss.

Are you kidding me with such a cheesy idea?  Not only would it melt in the sun like on a McWallberger, but Swiss has holes in it, you jerk.  I want no openings anywhere in my wall.  You’ve got holes in your head.   You’re fired, you rat!   Next?

Mr. President, my idea is to steel the wall, make it out of stainless steel from the finest steel mills in China and North Korea, which will save us a bundle if you exempt their steel from import tax.  And Kim Jong Un will undoubtedly strip the steel from his missiles so you’d be advancing world peace as well.

You want me as the President of the United States of America to turn to China and nutcakes in North Korea to protect us from invading illegals who next to them are pussycats?   You need your steel helmet examined.  You’re not just fired.  I’m sentencing you to six months in federal prison behind steel bars! 

Mr. President?  I got it!  It’s perfect.  You’ll love it.  And when you announce it, the stock market will explode to 30K moments after you tweet it.

Okay, you got my attention.  What’s your offer?

A line of tall, impenetrable mountains . . .  of plastic bottles.


Think of it, Mr. President.  While you build the wall, you save the environment.  You protect and conserve.  It’s an ecological masterstroke. You make conservational use of all those billions of discarded plastic bottles that are clogging up our environment, polluting our waterways, destroying our landscapes.  And the good part is they’re free.

I think your plastic brain’s clogged.

No, please Mr. President.  Hear me out.  All you need to do is round them up from along our beaches.  Collect them and then pile the plastic bottles up along our southern border.  Can you imagine immigrants trying to climb across a wall of plastic bottles?  It’s impossible. Almost comical. They’ll sink in them. Commit plasticide.  SNL will have a field day.  It’ll be the biggest bottleneck in history. On every bottle will be Making America Plastic Bottle Free Again.

You’re fired, you plastic bobblehead. Go discard yourself on a beach.

Mr. President, one more final wall thought.

Better be good, schmuck.


What arrrrr you, a pirate?

Augmented Reality, sir!  We build an imaginary wall by integrating digital information into our now open borders, creating a totally artificial wall that will appear so real, so formidable that immigrants will throw up their hands, believe it so impenetrable they’ll give up and go home.

Who will build this?

We’ll ask Mark Zuckerberg.  He’s a sucker for fake things.

I like it.  It’s brilliant.  I’ll tweet it right now.  YOU’RE HIRED! 


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